Save a Horse, Ride a College Athlete

After watching this past weekend’s disg-race at Churchill Downs, I have officially sworn off horse racing forever. In fact, I have sworn off all animal racing, so you won’t catch me down at the PBKC anymore, betting on the puppies in their perennial quest to catch up to Rusty. I don’t know exactly what did it for me; maybe the scene of a horse being put to death after running in a pointless race, or maybe the fact that the horse’s owner still collected a rather hefty second-place purse for Eight Belles’ strong showing (Not that the owner, a Hobe Sound resident, wasn’t broken up over the whole thing.) It could have been the Extra Point commentary on ESPN Radio by SportsCenter anchor Neil Everett where he called a horse dying after a race an “occupational hazard”, or even the horse’s trainer saying that the the phillie was “happy” to make the ultimate sacrifice. Please - like these people know what the horse wants or not. Yes, I understand racehorses get treated like Kings and Queens, but treating a living thing well doesn’t give you the right to put its life on the line. If you can show me the dotted line that Eight Belles autographed signing up for this garbage, I will give you five years salary. No joke. Horses are one of the most beautiful and elegant species on this planet - they should not be raced so snobby, stuck-up women can have an excuse to wear a stupid white hat. But I’m not one of those gunslinging satirists who will complain and not suggest an alternative solution. Nope, instead I’m here to offer an immediate fix to the problem.

Instead of horses, use college athletes! It makes perfect sense:

1) Like horses, you don’t have to pay them (Yes, for the first time in my life, college athletes not getting paid is NOT the biggest travesty in my blog). They also cost a lot less to maintain. All you have to do is promise them an “education” and give them sweat-suits with the team name on them. That seems to keep the college athletes of the world pretty content, not to mention blinded from how badly they are being ripped off for their invaluable service.

2) If a college athlete breaks his or her leg, you don’t have to kill it! Instead, send them to a specialist, and get’ em fixed on up and back on that track. Forget the possibility of serious injury and problems later in life, they are there to help YOU for nothing! They are “happy” to do it.

3) College athletes are used to performing on a big stage, so the Derby and other big races shouldn’t be a culture shock. Football players are the performers in a show that generates over $5 billion in revenue yearly. They are used to making rich people richer and seeing nothing in return, so they should be “happy” to do it.

4) They are used to being pushed out the door. In college, you get four, maybe five, years of eligibility. That may be longer than a racehorse’s career, but you get the idea. When they’re time has come, just shove ‘em out the door and bring in newer, younger blood. For horses, this time is called going to stud. For most college athletes, it’s called trying to get a job in an industry you had no time to learn about because
you were spending 60 hours a week generating revenue for a school, conference and national association that don’t care about you and aren’t paying you. Whew! Long sentence.

I worked a ton during my college years, whether it was at the school paper, running the kitchen at a pizza place, or working the door at a bar. I can tell you it’s tough. I can also tell you I was getting paid. Believe me, I did less for that restaurant than Tim Tebow is doing for UF, the SEC and all of college football.

Tags: college athletics, Kentucky Derby